Changed my mind

Okay, I'm putting my eggs in two baskets: Iowa and Indiana. If I don't get in this year, I'll take a semester off, no big deal.

Stress has been killing me lately. I can't seem to wake up. I'm also trying to change my depression medicine and I really hope it doesn't make me get really moody. I hate being moody. Especially when I can't get it under control.

I'm also sick with some type of sinus infection and my mono is flaring up.

Sucks.

One basket

I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket for graduate school. It isn't because I think I ca get in there, or because I think it is the only place I can get in, it's money and it's what I feel is right for me. I figure that if I don't get in, it's a sign that I need to take a semester off and apply for the spring semester instead of the fall. I hope that I'm good enough to get in for next fall, but I'll have to wait and see. The three universities I was lookin at are Indiana, Iowa and Wichita State. According to things I've looked up, Wichita isn't very gay friendly, also, even though I like Goldbarth, he isn't my favorite poet. Iowa is the prize school but I don't think that I'm good enough to get in and it's money that I don't really have at this moment. Indiana is fairly gay friendly in Bloomington, it has a relatively low cost of living, and it looks like it has a really good program.

Grad school is something that I've never really expected to go to. The way I was raised, it was almost impossible to look at the future because there wasn't going to be a future. The world was supposed to end by now. I didn't think that I would make it through high school or college. I didn't think I was going to be alive past the age of 18.

I'm like a fish out of water. Everyone thinks I've got it together, but I don't. This is so new to me and I have no idea what I'm doing. I only hope that I survive.

Just a couple of things

First, you should probably know that I'm procrastinating. I'm supposed to be writing a paper for Renaissance Drama but I'm tired and my brain isn't working correctly. I'm trying to exercise the kinks out so, here I am, writing. My paper will get done eventually. At the moment I just feel like I need to get a couple of things out of my mind. My paper isn't my biggest concern.

Maybe that should be a problem, but it seems like life is crashing into my careful pursuit of academics. I don't like having to worry about bills and broken cars and jobs. Health and Health Insurance and things to do before graduation.

I'm really worried about her getting a job. She only has two and a half weeks left. If she doesn't get one then she has to move back to Independence. What will that do to us? But, more importantly, what will it do to her? Will she be able to grow when she's in such a tense atmosphere? Will she be able to be happy?

And then, my roommate is sick. Swine flu. Dear God, please don't let me get sick. I can't get sick again. I'm even more susceptible since my immune system is down with mono. I can't get sick.

So, that's what's bothering me today. Until later.

Update

I was going to write a long, tedious blog complaining about life. Now I don't feel like it. Can't I just lay here and sleep?

Stupid Urgent Care

Apparently, it costs a hundred and fifty dollars to be told that you need to take 4 ibuprofen three times daily.

Fail.

Passive Aggressive

I'll admit it, I am very passive aggressive. I try to just let the anger go but sometimes it just catches and boils up. And then I have to keep from exploding.

My roommate has been driving me absolutely insane. She's one of my best friends, but sometimes she can be very selfish. She came back from work and demanded silence for the evening. So from at least six in the evening to nine at night I had to keep my phone on silent, my computer on silent, my girlfriend and I were setting next to each other and we couldn't even whisper. We had to IM back in forth. I kissed her on the cheek and rested my forehead against the side of her face and my roommate said "So, are you just going to make out over there?" I said no and she said to stop being distracting. Then she said "So, are you finally going to go to class tomorrow?" in a very abrasive tone, as if I've been playing hooky. I haven't. I've been sick, so tired I can barely drag my butt out of bed. I wanted to yell at her.

And so ends my rant for the day.

Sick and Tired

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've been tired for over a week. I haven't been able to get out of bed the last two days. My body aches. I think that it is four parts sickness and one part depression. It could be worse. I just don't want to get any sicker. I don't want it to develop into a full blown flu or mono or something such as that.

I can't miss a lot of school. I can't miss a lot of work. I've missed three shifts of work and five classes. I've kept up on my homework but that's not good enough.

Just thought I'd update.

The thing about angels

As a child, I was always told that the only real fundamental difference between angels and human was that angels didn't have a choice, they had to serve God, while we had the choice of whether or not we serve Him. Now that I think about it though, I don't quite buy it. Lucifer chose to rebel against God and the angels who followed him chose the same thing. Later, some angels chose to go onto Earth and have sex with women. That, supposedly, is how giants were made. It seems to me like angels have a lot of choice. Besides that we have to be on Earth before we can go to Heaven, what is the difference?

Cockroach in the ear

My mom called today and said that my aunt has a cockroach in her ear and she can't get it out. The only thing I can say is WTF?!

Syfy?

One of the pleasure of college is access to cable TV. Until I started college three years ago, I had never had more than ten channels. As I was reacquainting myself with the channels, I stopped on a commercial for the all new Syfy channel. I stared in horror at the screen. Syfy? Didn't they mean SciFi? Had some graphic designer infused with too much Red Bull made an error that had somehow managed to sneak by PR? No. It's just some new way to make SciFi more acceptable to the average viewer, take away the shifty pronunciations and the image as the station only geeks and nerds watch. Maybe it will be a good marketing move and other businesses will follow suit. Photographers can change their signs to market fotografy. Why not go to a groshery store? A resterant?Eat some soop, drink some cofy, and don't forget to tip the waytris on the way out.

Honestly, Syfy?

Something new

Well, I guess 'some new things' would be more accurate. I started a job, a student job, but a job none the less. I think my parents nearly peed themselves in excitement. I believe they think that I'm serious when I say I plan to be a bum with a shopping cart and a library card. The work is easy and fairly repetitive and it's only thirteen hours a week.

In other news, I feel like I haven't written a decent poem in months. I've scraped out two that I think will pass as 'not utter garbage.' I've been doing a lot more self editing, cutting extra things out. Sometimes, I find it hard to find the balance between 'too wordy' and 'too bare.'

I haven't written any decent stories either. Janice is waiting to be edited but I'm afraid to open the file and mess it up. It doesn't matter that it's saved to my computer. Honestly, I don't know how I wrote it in the first place, let alone how to make it better. And I can't move on to another story until I wrap up this one because the voices will get mixed up.

I can't even properly write flash fiction. How am I supposed to fill up half a page? I have to be careful and choose my words wisely. What do I want to convey with this story? Is it a waste of space? I will admit that I'm intimidated by people reading my work. Fiction is my soft spot. I'll let someone read books and books of my old poetry before I'll let them lay a finger on one of my old story journals. I have equal love for both poetry and fiction, I just know my fiction is more likely to be torn apart. It doesn't matter how old I am, I still feel awkward writing about adult things and I think that awkwardness gets transferred to my writing.

I'm also distracted because I want to draw very badly. My grammar notebook is already filling up with doodles and I feel guilty. I really am paying attention, but I know it doesn't look like I am. Anyways, I have ideas for two different comics. I have two pages on smackjeeves set up for when I have time to do the art. I might put the links up then. Maybe.

Creatively Frazzled

I have a wild imagination and I need an outlet for it. My three favorite outlets are poetry, fiction and drawing. Usually, I'll have an urge to do poetry for a while and then it will switch to writing stories. Then there are some times when I won't write a word for weeks but I'll be sketching up a storm. As long as there is balance and order (as much as there can be for a writer) everything is fine. However, once in a while I will get an idea for a story that I must write and then get inspired for a poem but have this really cool drawing I want to do. I want to do everything at once, but I can't. And I can't decide which to do. So I don't do anything. That's where I'm at right now. I have an idea for a comic that's itching at my fingertips, one story I need to rewrite, another story playing through my brain, and a poem knocking on my skull. I can't decide which to do because when I sit down to do one, I have a sudden urge to do a different one. So I can't do anything. And I have all this energy humming inside of me because it want to be let out. I do not know what to do besides amuse myself with the internet.

Paint for Macs

The only problem with Macs is that they don't have a cool little paint program like MSPaint. How am I supposed to rise to web comic stardom if I don't have a free and easy to use paint program to beef up my original art?

I went through the long list of downloads on the Apple site and most of them were only demos and the few that weren't were either to complicated or didn't have quite what I wanted. I had to wade through vectors, photos only, and CAD programs and what exactly is a raster? Finally I googled it and a great article popped up. http://blog.somekool.net/articles/2006/10/03/free-paint-program-for-mac-os-x

I chose to download Pixen and so far it works great. It's easy to use and it has what I want. It's a mix between and Adobe Photo or Illustrator program and Paint. If you have a Mac, you should try it.

And now begins my journey to the top of online webcomics. :insert evil laughter:

Tattoos

I was the good kid in school, straight A valedictorian, so when I ame home my sophomore year of college with a tattoo, everybody thought I had gone wild. I hadn't. People get tattoos for different reasons: drunken stupidity, puppy love, symbolism, rebellion, art. I got mine for two reasons: 1) It meant something to me, 2) It's an amazing art form. Every time I have gotten a tattoo, it has stood for something important in my life. So, at times, I resent when people judge me because of the ink on my body. Yet, I find myself judging others with tattoos at the same time. Usually it's "I wonder how drunk he/she was when he/she got that one." But, really, who am I to judge.

My first tattoo was a line of poetry on my right forearm. "I feel my fate in what I cannot fear" a line from Theodore Roethke's "The Waking." It spoke to me because it reminded me that I can't be afraid of who I am or what I will do in life. I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and that I was going to live past the age of nineteen. I needed it somewhere that I could see it every day, so I wouldn't give up.

Tattoo number two was a tree in the middle of my back. That, too, came from poetry, a stanza from "Who goes with Fergus" by William Yeats. There were three images in there that struck me and I plan to get all of them on my back. Tattoo number three was image 2 of 3, a flaming star on my right shoulder blade. These two reminded me, again, to be brave. It also connected to me to the beauty of nature, which has always been important in my life.

My last tattoo was the celtic knot for sisterhood on my left wrist. My sister and I got one together. Now we always have a tie, whether we want to or not.

If you're going to get a tattoo, make sure it means something. Don't get something you'll want to get burned off in a couple years down the road. If you get a symbol or a different language, make sure it means what you think it means.

Picking a tattoo artist and a place are also important. Ask to see their portfolios, pictures of tattoos or art that they have done. Make sure they have Red Cross certification that says they went through a course and they know how to properly handle blood and needles. You don't want a sloppy or messy tattoo artist. Make sure the shop is clean too. If the shop is clean, the needles will be clean. And make sure you're comfortable. If you're freaked out by the atmosphere than your body will be tense and if your body is tense, then the tattoo is going to hurt a lot more than it would if you were relaxed.

Here in Columbia, there are a lot of great tattoo shops with excellent artists. Personally, I've only ever been to Hollywood Rebel Tattoo on 10th street. The shop is clean, well lit, and the rooms are private so you don't have people staring at you while you get jabbed with a needle. There prices are reasonable as well. Touch ups are free, so if you accidentally scratch a scab off and lose some of your color, they will fix, no problem.

Kyle M. did my first tattoo and he has an excellent portfolio. Katie has done my other tattoos and as long as she works there, I will get my tattoos from her. She has the least experience as a tattoo artist but she has a good portfolio and she makes me the most comfortable. My tree was complicated, and Celtic knots are some of the hardest to do, but she did an excellent job.

So, why this long rant about tattoos? Because I got mine touched up yesterday and they are still a little sore and it was on my mind. Last bit of advice, take some tylenol beforehand.

Boys Don't Cry

I heard about this movie a long time ago and my parents automatically said it was a disgusting movie that shouldn't be watched. So, of course, I put it on the list of movies I would eventually like to see. I forgot about it, but as I was cruising Netflix, it caught my eye. I put it in my que and waited anxiously for its arrival. When it finally came, I let it sit on my desk for a couple of days and forgot about it again. Then Shelly decided that she wanted to watch a movie so her, my girlfriend and I sat down with popcorn and carbonated beverages to watch it. It wasn't at all what I expected.

It was a good movie, but incredibly sad. I didn't expect it to have a happy ending but I still wasn't prepared to see Brandon get shot through the head. There was much more nudity than I expected as well. But, a true story is a true story. My parents were right, it was disgusting. But, not because it was about a transgendered female to male, but because there are people like the two antagonists who kill people because of their sexuality or sexual identity. What right have they to judge?

One of my father's biggest arguments against my sexuality is that someone will hurt me. That is one of my biggest fears too. He uses it as an excuse for me to change my lifestyle, for me it is the exact opposite. What is life if you can't live it? Why should I pretend to be someone I'm not because there is a possibility that some ignorant person might some day hurt me? Sometimes, I want to shake him and say, "If you're afraid of someone hurting me, make sure there are laws that protect me. If you're afraid of someone killing me, make sure all of your religious friends know that I'm not worthy of death."

Though the movie has given me troubled dreams for the last couple of days, I'm grateful that I watched it. Movies like that, make you want to do something positive to change the way things are. If, some day, my child happens to be a homosexual, I hope to be able to say that I did something in my life to make theirs better.

21

Happy birthday to  me. I didn't think I would make it this long. Congratulations to me.

It's not a lie

I am done being broody, but I've just started being angry and self depreciating. I know that you don't understand. I hate that I can't control it. I'm all about being rational and stoic and you make me feel like an animal sometimes. I can't explain it. It frustrates me. Sometimes it hurts. I know it's natural and everybody goes through it. That doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes, I'm on edge for days. Sometimes, I only have to look at you. It really is like lava crawling through your veins and, God help me, it burns.

Afraid

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm ruining my girlfriend's life. She has a really tight knit family. They sound like one cohesive unit that moves like a mob whenever one of their own is hurt or in trouble. I'm afraid that by loving her, I'm going to take that away from her. 

Rose has led a comfortable life and now I'm making it uncomfortable. Now she will eventually have to tell her family that she's in love with another girl and they might not take it so well. Her dad's side of the family is very conservative. Every time she talks about telling them, I can hear it in her voice, she's afraid that they won't love her anymore, that they'll cut her out of the family. What if she loses that mob of people she's always been able to fall back on? 

It hurts me to think that, somehow, I'm causing her pain. Logically, I know that it's not really my fault and it's not her fault. If she loses her family, it's their faults. They will be the people ignorant enough to let a wonderful, caring soul out of the family. They will miss out on our beautiful children, on our accomplishments and it will be their choice. Logically, I know that she would have had to come out anyway, eventually. But, I'm still scared. I hate to think that I'll be the one to cause it. I'm afraid, if they do act badly, that she'll resent me, somehow. I know her enough to know that she's not that kind of person, that she's very rational, but grief can make a person do crazy things.

I love her so much. I can't imagine losing her. If, somehow, I screw this up, it won't literally kill me, but, God, it will hurt. The parts of me that have grown while we've been together are going to feel like they're dying. I just have to trust that she'll talk to me. That, whatever she's feeling, she won't keep it inside. I hope she knows that she can lean on me, that I'll carry her if I have to. And I hope she remembers, that we have other family, besides blood. And that whatever blood family I have that isn't going to disown me, that she can adopt them if she wants. Amayne will be there, Shelly, Tiff, Brooke, and whoever else. We'll be a motley bunch, but we'll be there for each other. 

We're going to be okay. Maybe, her family will surprise her. I know some of my family surprised me.

Responsibility?

I'm not entirely sure what it is about me that people automatically assume that I'm a responsible leader. I don't think I am. I don't have enough guts to be the best leader. The IR I can handle. It's my baby. PC, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to buckle down. We'll need two service projects and we'll have to raise money. I've always hated doing that kind of stuff. I feel like other people are more capable of that than I am. I had somebody come up to me today and ask me to be president of GSA. I think a lot of people aren't involved in it because of Amayne. They think he isn't a good image for the club and a lot of people find him abrasive and to radical. I'm not going to run for president but I might vote for someone else. Kate would be a good one. I believe she has a lot of good ideas. 

I have a lot of plans for the IR. I think that we need to start the semester off with events and fliers. We need to make this magazine the best that it can be. It can do well. 

On another note, I've always wanted to dye my hair a funky color. I think I'm going to get blue highlights in it. I think that it will look cool and it would make me smile. I'll have to ask Heather about it and see what she thinks.

I want to start my life with Rose but I can't yet. I won't be able to for at least a year and a half. Until it happens I'm going to have to start planning. By planning I mean be a lot more careful with my money and do lots of research on grad schools. I need to continue to write and send out. I also need to finish Janice and get her sent out. I'm going to need money if I'm going to help support a family. I plan on selling my extra amplifier and my extra guitar this summer. I might take my old bridemaid's dress to the consignment shop too. This summer will probably be pretty tight for me. I don't know. I'm not getting paid anything to house sit the last time I checked. In fact, if I use to much AC I'll have to pay for it. I'm lucky I'm used to the heat. I want my writing to be my job this summer. That's why I'm praying that I win that one contest. I'll need to money. It will also let me know that I'm moving in the right direction with my poetry. We'll see. I can live a pretty minimal lifestyle when I have to.

I know I can do it and I know that I can get a job if I absolutely have to. I just need to have the summer away from Independence. I need to know for myself that I can live on my own. I also need to make sure that I can get my medicine when I need it. I have to do this. 

I think that I'm done rambling for now. Until later.

Frustrated

I'm just a little bit sick and tired of people telling me that first relationships rarely work. Not because I don't appreciate their advice but because they don't seem to even acknowledge the fact that my relationship very well might make it. They automatically assume that it is going to fail. That bothers me. There are just so many pieces that fit, that make me believe we will last.

Never Take Astronomy

If you go to school where I do.

It is absolutely horrible. Not because there is math involved but because he doesn't teach it right. He does not go over the equations like he should and he doesn't put the material that he emphasizes most on the test. He puts obscure things he only mention a couple times. He doesn't put equations on the test that he says he will. It is absolutely ridiculous.

Is it too soon to feel this way?

I love my girlfriend, more than anything. I never though I'd feel so strongly about anyone as I do her.  She's everything I've ever wanted in a partner, I didn't know that it was possible for someone like her to exist. 

We've only been dating three months but it feels like I've always been with her, like I've known her forever. I can't imagine my life without her in the future and I don't know how I functioned without her in the past. It's really like she's a part of me. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to have curly headed babies with her. I want to take care of her, spoil her, make her smile, hold her when she cries... It's kind of scary, really, to feel so strongly.

The other day, I was teasing her. I said that if Prop 8 got repealed, we should elope in California. It made me think about how much I really would like to marry her someday and what would I have to do to make that dream a reality. There are so many different factors to take into consideration. I'm not worrying about them, just daydreaming about the what ifs. 

I decided to talk to my sister about it. She's very opinionated so I knew I would get her real opinion. Surprisingly, she didn't yell at me. She said that she couldn't judge about whether I was really feeling that way and ready or not. She did say I should wait to seriously think about it until we've been dating at least six months and not ask her until we've been dating one year. She said that way other people wouldn't think I was rushing it or being stupid. She said she would support me whatever I chose. She also said that she was worried my girlfriend would hurt me, not because she doesn't trust my girlfriend, but because she's overly protective. She had valid points. The biggest one being that I probably shouldn't propose until my girlfriend is actually out to her parents. She said some people can't stand to be in a relationship if their parents freak out. Which I understand.

My sister knew so I had to talk to my mom. If one knows, the other is bound to. They let things slip to each other easily. My mom says that she thinks it's a little soon to be thinking about it and I shouldn't think to far ahead. When I said I was thinking about waiting until at least June, she said that was different but I was still over-thinking. She asked if I realized it was illegal in this state and she just wanted me to be happy. We got talking about different places and she said that as long as she can come to the wedding it's fine. And she teased me, saying I would actually have to get a job and she wasn't sure I could survive.

My room mate overheard my talk with my sister. She told be that I wasn't really in love with my girlfriend, that I was just infatuated. She said that 99% of first time relationships don't last and that I'm way too naive and inexperienced. She also said that we haven't even fought properly yet so we couldn't know if we were in love or if it would work out. She also said it wouldn't last because my girlfriend hasn't told her parents yet.

Number one, I am in love with her. She's not a shiny object that I'm going to get bored with. I usually have a hard time spending time with people. If I was going to get tired of her, it would have been a while ago. I know my girlfriend isn't perfect. Nobody is, but she is amazing. And I don't think you have to have a big, terrible fight to whether or not you're going to make it. I have gotten irritated with my girlfriend. We're both bad at making decisions and sometimes it's frustrating when she won't pick. But I don't let it escalate or stew. I know I'm just as bad at making decisions and it's just as much my problem and it's a silly thing to even get bothered about. So I shrug it off, I talk to her, and we make the decision. We communicate, that's

 why we don't fight. I'm sure she's been frustrated with me too, but, like I said, we talk about it. Number Two, I know plenty of people who've only been with one person and they have wonderful marriages. 

Number 3, I'm twenty years old. I'm not a teenager. I'll be twenty one in about two months. My emotions aren't easily swayed and just because I'm inexperienced doesn't mean I'm naive. I know there's the possibility that my dad won't acknowledge me anymore, that I may not be welcome in my grandmother's house and that my one Uncle might not let me alone with his kids. Does that bother me? Of course it does. But am I going to walk on eggshells the rest of my life and sacrifice my happiness, my soul, for their ignorance? No. I'm not. I refuse to not live my life.

Number 4, it's going to get harder as time goes on, because her parents don't know. I know why she doesn't tell them and I understand it completely. Her dad might stop paying for school and then what would she do? She could take out loans, I guess. I know that I would do everything in my power to help her pay for school. If I had to work two jobs and sell plasma every other week, I would do it. I worry about her because I know keeping a secret can really get to you. She says she thinks her mother or her grandmother might be okay with it, that she thinks one of them suspect something. If it were me, I would go to the one I trust most and test the waters. But that's because I can't imagine keeping a secret from my mom because I know she'll always love me, no matter what. Will I keep bugging her to tell her parents? No. Why? Because she will when she's ready, even if she does need a push sometimes. I'm just going to wait for her, and stand by her for as long as she'll let me.

 

Take a chill pill

Sometimes, I think that my brain works far too fast. It travels in a million different directions and tries to plot actions for all the what ifs. For a long time, I didn't live my life because what if it didn't fit into the time line I had in life. I couldn't find a girlfriend because if she lived in a different town, it would never work out. When there was a possibility that she wouldn't have her parents support to come to school, I was already planning a million different ways that I could get a job and somehow support her so she could still go to school. How freakin ridiculous is that? The thought of getting a cubicle job or a food service job makes me feel like a heavy weight is resting on my chest. I can't get a job like that and be happy. I need to pull my head out of my ass and somehow manage to sell my book or get my poems published. I need to somehow strike it rich, so to speak, so I can support myself. I want to have a family some day and I'm going to need money for that too. I realize that I'm irrational. I've known that for a very long time. I suppose I'll write more later. 

I tend to be a little sarcastic

Hence the title of this blog. Though I did believe it at one point. As of now, I'm thoroughly happy with my life as an outcast of society. When they pull their heads out, I'll be waiting.