Afraid

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm ruining my girlfriend's life. She has a really tight knit family. They sound like one cohesive unit that moves like a mob whenever one of their own is hurt or in trouble. I'm afraid that by loving her, I'm going to take that away from her. 

Rose has led a comfortable life and now I'm making it uncomfortable. Now she will eventually have to tell her family that she's in love with another girl and they might not take it so well. Her dad's side of the family is very conservative. Every time she talks about telling them, I can hear it in her voice, she's afraid that they won't love her anymore, that they'll cut her out of the family. What if she loses that mob of people she's always been able to fall back on? 

It hurts me to think that, somehow, I'm causing her pain. Logically, I know that it's not really my fault and it's not her fault. If she loses her family, it's their faults. They will be the people ignorant enough to let a wonderful, caring soul out of the family. They will miss out on our beautiful children, on our accomplishments and it will be their choice. Logically, I know that she would have had to come out anyway, eventually. But, I'm still scared. I hate to think that I'll be the one to cause it. I'm afraid, if they do act badly, that she'll resent me, somehow. I know her enough to know that she's not that kind of person, that she's very rational, but grief can make a person do crazy things.

I love her so much. I can't imagine losing her. If, somehow, I screw this up, it won't literally kill me, but, God, it will hurt. The parts of me that have grown while we've been together are going to feel like they're dying. I just have to trust that she'll talk to me. That, whatever she's feeling, she won't keep it inside. I hope she knows that she can lean on me, that I'll carry her if I have to. And I hope she remembers, that we have other family, besides blood. And that whatever blood family I have that isn't going to disown me, that she can adopt them if she wants. Amayne will be there, Shelly, Tiff, Brooke, and whoever else. We'll be a motley bunch, but we'll be there for each other. 

We're going to be okay. Maybe, her family will surprise her. I know some of my family surprised me.