Now I'm a graduate

With no job and a cat who keeps biting and scratching me. I've been turned down twice for jobs, with another interview on Thursday.
The cat, Jemima, keeps scratching Alyssa's hand up. She's really upset because she wanted her hands to be scratch free on the wedding day, which is 5 days away.
Holy crap, I'm getting married in 5 days.
I'm working on a new tattoo design also. I've drawn it once, but I want to make it better and more refined.

NOH8

My college's GSA did a NOH8 photo shoot. I don't have the pictures yet, but here is a picture I took with my NOH8 paint on. The camera is a webcam so it makes the paint appear backwards.

Shrinking Wedding Party

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. It was exactly one month to the wedding. I slept well last night and got to watch TruTv. I woke up this morning feeling rested and checked my phone to see a text from my sister. It said that her daughter could no longer be the flower girl for my wedding. It was like a punch in the gut. I'm still really upset about it. I asked her why and she said that the father's family was really upset about her being in my wedding.
First off, her dad is a no good dead beat who barely claims her. Secondly, at one and a half years old, she's not even going to remember being in my wedding. It's not going to harm her psychologically. I know his family, and for the most part I really respect and like them, but right now I just want to yell at them. They're really breaking my heart.

Nightmares

As the wedding approaches, my nightmares are getting worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about my wedding. However, the problems with both of our families are stressing me out. Honestly, I'm more afraid of her side. I really get the feeling that her dad would hurt me if he could. That's mostly what my nightmares are about. Usually he shows and beats the shit out of me or he shoots me or Alyssa gets hurt and he beats me up and doesn't let me see her. In my dreams, my family just ignores me. They won't let me stay at their houses or support me. They give me shit for marrying her.
I do kind of feel ignored by my family, but I know for some of them that it's an uncomfortable topic. I wish they'd just acknowledge that they received the invitations.
I figure I'm doing pretty good in life. I'm graduating with a 3.8 or something from college. I'm applying to Grad school. I'm getting married. It's a fairly solid beginning.
Apparently, they don't think so.

My submission to the Bad Poetry Contest

Sittin back in my easy chair,

everyone knows I’m the ultimate player.

Gameboy, X Box, PS3,

all the boys are jealous of me.

Star Wars: Clone Wars, Modern Warfare:

my Call of Duty lies in Dodondogo’s lair.

Dropping Fbombs, plantin magic beans,

it makes all the elven girls scream.

F bomb? I meant bomb flowers.

I’m an advocate of flower power.

Who wouldn’t be?

Mario and Luigi touch a leaf

and get a raccoon tail;

run towards the gap, hit “a” and sail.

Stompin’ goombahs, eatin shrooms,

I go after rings with a sonic boom.

Jump back, be ready for the fallout:

You vs. me, you’d better watch out.

Wanna play a game? Welcome to my chamber.

You know me, I’m the ultimate gamer.

It needs a title. Any suggestions?

Wedding Update

The wedding is quickly approaching. We've got quite a few things done, but we also have quite a few things left to do.
Things we've gotten done:

• Date and time picked
• Venue booked
• Invitations bought and addressed
• Rings bought
• Her dress is bought
• Bridesmaids dresses bought and bridesmaids picked out

Things we haven't gotten done:

• Minister/wedding officiant picked
• register for gifts
• decide what we're going to do with a wedding cake
• picked out food
• party favors
• music
• my clothes
• honeymoon
• where we are getting dressed
• Flowers

So much to do, so much to do.

Spring Break Sprint

School gets hectic the two weeks before Spring Break. There are a lot of projects due and, in upper level courses, professors seem to think that the week off is a perfect opportunity for us to study, so they make the biggest projects due as soon as we get back. Spring Break also signifies that the school year is winding down and the time is running out to start all of those projects that have been put off to the end of the year.
     This year has definitely been the most stressful by far. It's the last semester of my senior year and I have two gigantic projects: Senior Seminar and my distinction project. For my Senior Seminar, I have to write a twenty page research paper on Sharon Olds. I was worried about the length at first, but recently I've discovered that the length really isn't as daunting as one would think. The devil is in the details. Every couple of weeks some little thing is due, like an abstract or an outline. The little work distracts me from the big work. I know it sounds silly, but it's a mental thing. When I have to piddle around with the little stuff, I'm distracted from the main project.
     My distinction project is due on April 2nd and I feel like I have no idea how I'm supposed to present it. My advisor has no clue either. Last week, I sat down and banged out a 25 page paper, but then my advisor said that she thought that it didnt have enough literary theory in it. So, I have to redo parts of my paper. I also have to print off and arrange a 45 poem manuscript. I feel mostly okay with this project, it's just kind of overwhelming that I have to make it perfect by Friday.
     Clubs are also another aspect of school that can take up a lot of time. I am the president of two clubs. One club is going really well. The other one, no one is helping me and I don't know what to do. I feel like I keep banging up against a wall and it's stressing me out. We have a barbeque we are doing the week after we get back from Spring Break and every time I try to arrange something, it falls through. I don't know what I'm going to do.
    So, this is what's going on with school. I hope I survive to graduate.

The Inquisition

So, I'm waiting with baited breath for my family and friends to get here. I've been full of nervous energy all morning. The heater's going full bore, my room is as spotless as it's ever been. I feel like I'm showing my room, like I'm trying to make them buy into my happiness, make them realize that everything is okay.
Today is a stressful day for two reasons: 1. I got my hair cut incredibly short. 2. We're going shopping for bridesmaids' dresses. This wedding stuff is stressful enough when your maid of honor and your mother think you're going to hell. I have to go to a wedding shop where the people think my bridesmaids are actually my fiancee's bridesmaids because my fiancee didn't mention tell the salesgirl she was one of two brides in a same sex wedding ceremony. I guess I'll pretend I'm the wedding coordinator or something, unless Alyssa gets off of work in time.
I dislike having to explain myself every time I do something and I hate that I feel like I need to please my mom and sister when it comes to my hair. I love my little sister, but she's weird. She has double standards when it comes to her and me. I spent this morning digging through my drawers, trying to find the girliest shirt I own, because, God forbid, I look like a tomboy with my hair this short. I've had so many people come up to me and tell me that they really like my hair, people who have no obligation to lie to me and tell me that it looks good. I wish my family would just get over themselves. I'm pretty sure Michelle is going to gripe at me too. She also has weird standards at times.
I'm getting tenser as the time passes. I'm hungry and anxious. I feel like a 10 lbs of sausage stuffed into a 5lb casing because of the shirt I'm wearing. I'm sure they're going to complain about my weight and my hair and remind me that I'm not really getting married. I pray to God that there won't be any arguments or fights. If I'm lucky I'll find out that I've wound myself up for nothing.
We'll see how today goes.

Palmade

This is what my hair looks like when I try to spike it into a mohawk with palmade. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this doing your hair stuff.

New hair

So, this is my new hair. I really like it. My sister is livid with me. My mom is unhappy. Dad threatened to shave the dog and glue the hair to my head. Oh well.

Restart

Nothing is more aggravating then fighting with your sister because she threatens to beat you if you get your hair cut. First, she's younger than I am. Second, I'm 21 years old and not living in the same city she is. Third, it's my money. Fourth, it's my hair.
She has this unnatural fear that I'm going to turn into a man and, no matter how many times I assure her that I like my breasts and don't want a penis, she freaks out every time I do something she perceives as manly. She yells at me for not dressing girly enough and for not wearing makeup. I would like to point our that I've never, ever been girly. I've always been a tomboy. When I was five I threw a fit because my mom was making me wear a skirt to school. I've always liked jeans and tshirts and hats. I can count on one hand the number of times I've used makeup and they were all formal events. I haven't changed drastically in the last ten years. Ever since she found out I'm a lesbian, though, she freaks out of my tomboyishness. Worse than that, she accused me of doing things just to get attention. That hurt.
The truth is, I've always wanted a mohawk. I think they're cool. I like my hair shorter because I hate when it gets in my face and I hate having to pick it off of all of my clothes. I don't want to shave my head, so I figure a fauxhawk will be a nice compromise. If I look stupid, I look stupid, I'll wear a hat. If I look cool, more power to me. Either way, I've decided I'm getting my hair cut today. End of story. I'll post pictures when it's done.

Late night

She broke my heart last night, several times over. We're still getting married in May, as far as I know, but, God, she really broke my heart.

On the fritz

I'm getting back on my medicine so, at times, I have bursts of incredible energy. The problem is that I have nothing to do with the energy. It feels like a giant spring coiled up inside and I feel like I need to jump around and throw things to get rid of it. I've had trouble focusing in class because of it. Usually during the few moments of calm, my mind wanders and I lose track of where I am. I'll daydream and, for a split second, think the daydream really happened until reality seeps back into my brain.
I think, even if I don't go to the gym, I'm going to get up in the morning and exercise and try to let some of the energy out. I'm trying to lose weight anyway. I'm not healthy like I should be. I'm more concerned about my health than I am about being "fat," though I wouldn't mind looking a little better. Some people are large and beautiful, I am not one of those people.
I'm not going on a diet, I'm just trying to make healthier choices: One hot dog instead of two, one glass of water in between pops, salad instead of chips, an apple instead of a honey bun. I'm not a diet kind of person. I like food too much. I could never starve myself or eat only celery. I need my cheeseburger every once in a while. I like enjoying my meals.
Hopefully things will work out. I'll be able to eat halfway normal food, gain some muscle, lose some fat, and look pretty sharp for my wedding in June and for the rest of my life.

I thought

I was over these anxiety attacks, but apparently not.
My girlfriend is at a concert. I thought she was going with her mom, sister and aunt, but she went with her dad instead of her aunt. She messaged me during the break in the concert and as soon as I found out he was there, even though he couldn't hear me talking or anything, my heart sped up and I started to feel sick. Just the possibility that he could find out she was talking to me and react badly... I just clam up immediately.
It's sad, we're getting married in June. I shouldn't feel like I'm a bad teenager sneaking around, but I do. It's not okay, but I can't do anything about it.

Slowly working through the wedding checklist

We're slowly but surely working (trying to work) through our wedding checklist. We've picked out our wedding rings and we have someone (the wonderful Katelyn) working on our invitations. We've picked out a shop to get the dresses we need from and we've priced some flowers. We've kind of scouted out a venue. We're going to look at it once more and get more information on seating before we book it. We've picked our bridesmaids and our officiant. I think we've done pretty good.
Working through our families is still difficult. I'm not sure that my dad is going to come. I respect his decision either way. I know, at this point, it's against his morals. I wish people could be more accepting. I'm thankful for the friends and acquaintances I have here. It's nice to talk to people who are excited about our wedding, instead of people who are mildly disturbed by it. I am thankful for what support I do get from my family, no matter how big or small it is.

Thai Food

I actually tried something new today. The best way I can describe Thai food is to say it's very similar to Chinese but it also reminds me of Indian food. It has a lot of heat to it- they scale it from one to ten and ask you how hot you want it. Even at a four it made my nose start running. I'm a wimp, I guess.

I'm glad I tried it. It's not my favorite type of food but I'm interested in going back and trying other dishes. It was also nice to walk down there. I really enjoyed the walk. I wish I had remembered my hat though, my ears are hurting now. I miss fresh air.

After yesterday

I realized that I cannot go without taking my medicine. I don't like being sad and angry for no reason. It doesn't work out very well.

Update for the new year

I've decided to wait at least a semester to go to school. I keep flip-flopping about which program I want to do. I haven't really looked into the programs as much as I wanted. I haven't taken the GRE. I need to plan more so I have money to actually apply. Application fees are ridiculous. One I was looking at was going to cost 70 dollars. It's ridiculous.

I'm also having problems with my depression. I think Zoloft, along with my poor eating habits, is causing me to gain weight. So, I tried to switch to Prozac. However, the Zoloft is free. The Prozac costs fifty dollars. Also, it kind of gives me an upset stomach. So, I have to decide which one to take, because I can't *not* take it.

I want to lose weight, but I don't want to give up pop completely. I want to exercise, but I feel really uncomfortable in the gym. Since, I have the room to myself, I might try to arrange it so I have space to do things in the room.

Alyssa and I are planning on getting married on June 6. Most of my family is still in complete denial, and if they're not in denial, they just don't like it and don't care. We're going to have to save money and plan things. We are so far behind.

We plan on staying in Columbia. I don't know where we're going to live, but I don't think it's going to be too hard to find a place.