Shrinking Wedding Party

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. It was exactly one month to the wedding. I slept well last night and got to watch TruTv. I woke up this morning feeling rested and checked my phone to see a text from my sister. It said that her daughter could no longer be the flower girl for my wedding. It was like a punch in the gut. I'm still really upset about it. I asked her why and she said that the father's family was really upset about her being in my wedding.
First off, her dad is a no good dead beat who barely claims her. Secondly, at one and a half years old, she's not even going to remember being in my wedding. It's not going to harm her psychologically. I know his family, and for the most part I really respect and like them, but right now I just want to yell at them. They're really breaking my heart.

Nightmares

As the wedding approaches, my nightmares are getting worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about my wedding. However, the problems with both of our families are stressing me out. Honestly, I'm more afraid of her side. I really get the feeling that her dad would hurt me if he could. That's mostly what my nightmares are about. Usually he shows and beats the shit out of me or he shoots me or Alyssa gets hurt and he beats me up and doesn't let me see her. In my dreams, my family just ignores me. They won't let me stay at their houses or support me. They give me shit for marrying her.
I do kind of feel ignored by my family, but I know for some of them that it's an uncomfortable topic. I wish they'd just acknowledge that they received the invitations.
I figure I'm doing pretty good in life. I'm graduating with a 3.8 or something from college. I'm applying to Grad school. I'm getting married. It's a fairly solid beginning.
Apparently, they don't think so.

Wedding Update

The wedding is quickly approaching. We've got quite a few things done, but we also have quite a few things left to do.
Things we've gotten done:

• Date and time picked
• Venue booked
• Invitations bought and addressed
• Rings bought
• Her dress is bought
• Bridesmaids dresses bought and bridesmaids picked out

Things we haven't gotten done:

• Minister/wedding officiant picked
• register for gifts
• decide what we're going to do with a wedding cake
• picked out food
• party favors
• music
• my clothes
• honeymoon
• where we are getting dressed
• Flowers

So much to do, so much to do.

The Inquisition

So, I'm waiting with baited breath for my family and friends to get here. I've been full of nervous energy all morning. The heater's going full bore, my room is as spotless as it's ever been. I feel like I'm showing my room, like I'm trying to make them buy into my happiness, make them realize that everything is okay.
Today is a stressful day for two reasons: 1. I got my hair cut incredibly short. 2. We're going shopping for bridesmaids' dresses. This wedding stuff is stressful enough when your maid of honor and your mother think you're going to hell. I have to go to a wedding shop where the people think my bridesmaids are actually my fiancee's bridesmaids because my fiancee didn't mention tell the salesgirl she was one of two brides in a same sex wedding ceremony. I guess I'll pretend I'm the wedding coordinator or something, unless Alyssa gets off of work in time.
I dislike having to explain myself every time I do something and I hate that I feel like I need to please my mom and sister when it comes to my hair. I love my little sister, but she's weird. She has double standards when it comes to her and me. I spent this morning digging through my drawers, trying to find the girliest shirt I own, because, God forbid, I look like a tomboy with my hair this short. I've had so many people come up to me and tell me that they really like my hair, people who have no obligation to lie to me and tell me that it looks good. I wish my family would just get over themselves. I'm pretty sure Michelle is going to gripe at me too. She also has weird standards at times.
I'm getting tenser as the time passes. I'm hungry and anxious. I feel like a 10 lbs of sausage stuffed into a 5lb casing because of the shirt I'm wearing. I'm sure they're going to complain about my weight and my hair and remind me that I'm not really getting married. I pray to God that there won't be any arguments or fights. If I'm lucky I'll find out that I've wound myself up for nothing.
We'll see how today goes.

Slowly working through the wedding checklist

We're slowly but surely working (trying to work) through our wedding checklist. We've picked out our wedding rings and we have someone (the wonderful Katelyn) working on our invitations. We've picked out a shop to get the dresses we need from and we've priced some flowers. We've kind of scouted out a venue. We're going to look at it once more and get more information on seating before we book it. We've picked our bridesmaids and our officiant. I think we've done pretty good.
Working through our families is still difficult. I'm not sure that my dad is going to come. I respect his decision either way. I know, at this point, it's against his morals. I wish people could be more accepting. I'm thankful for the friends and acquaintances I have here. It's nice to talk to people who are excited about our wedding, instead of people who are mildly disturbed by it. I am thankful for what support I do get from my family, no matter how big or small it is.

Update for the new year

I've decided to wait at least a semester to go to school. I keep flip-flopping about which program I want to do. I haven't really looked into the programs as much as I wanted. I haven't taken the GRE. I need to plan more so I have money to actually apply. Application fees are ridiculous. One I was looking at was going to cost 70 dollars. It's ridiculous.

I'm also having problems with my depression. I think Zoloft, along with my poor eating habits, is causing me to gain weight. So, I tried to switch to Prozac. However, the Zoloft is free. The Prozac costs fifty dollars. Also, it kind of gives me an upset stomach. So, I have to decide which one to take, because I can't *not* take it.

I want to lose weight, but I don't want to give up pop completely. I want to exercise, but I feel really uncomfortable in the gym. Since, I have the room to myself, I might try to arrange it so I have space to do things in the room.

Alyssa and I are planning on getting married on June 6. Most of my family is still in complete denial, and if they're not in denial, they just don't like it and don't care. We're going to have to save money and plan things. We are so far behind.

We plan on staying in Columbia. I don't know where we're going to live, but I don't think it's going to be too hard to find a place.