Something new

Well, I guess 'some new things' would be more accurate. I started a job, a student job, but a job none the less. I think my parents nearly peed themselves in excitement. I believe they think that I'm serious when I say I plan to be a bum with a shopping cart and a library card. The work is easy and fairly repetitive and it's only thirteen hours a week.

In other news, I feel like I haven't written a decent poem in months. I've scraped out two that I think will pass as 'not utter garbage.' I've been doing a lot more self editing, cutting extra things out. Sometimes, I find it hard to find the balance between 'too wordy' and 'too bare.'

I haven't written any decent stories either. Janice is waiting to be edited but I'm afraid to open the file and mess it up. It doesn't matter that it's saved to my computer. Honestly, I don't know how I wrote it in the first place, let alone how to make it better. And I can't move on to another story until I wrap up this one because the voices will get mixed up.

I can't even properly write flash fiction. How am I supposed to fill up half a page? I have to be careful and choose my words wisely. What do I want to convey with this story? Is it a waste of space? I will admit that I'm intimidated by people reading my work. Fiction is my soft spot. I'll let someone read books and books of my old poetry before I'll let them lay a finger on one of my old story journals. I have equal love for both poetry and fiction, I just know my fiction is more likely to be torn apart. It doesn't matter how old I am, I still feel awkward writing about adult things and I think that awkwardness gets transferred to my writing.

I'm also distracted because I want to draw very badly. My grammar notebook is already filling up with doodles and I feel guilty. I really am paying attention, but I know it doesn't look like I am. Anyways, I have ideas for two different comics. I have two pages on smackjeeves set up for when I have time to do the art. I might put the links up then. Maybe.

Creatively Frazzled

I have a wild imagination and I need an outlet for it. My three favorite outlets are poetry, fiction and drawing. Usually, I'll have an urge to do poetry for a while and then it will switch to writing stories. Then there are some times when I won't write a word for weeks but I'll be sketching up a storm. As long as there is balance and order (as much as there can be for a writer) everything is fine. However, once in a while I will get an idea for a story that I must write and then get inspired for a poem but have this really cool drawing I want to do. I want to do everything at once, but I can't. And I can't decide which to do. So I don't do anything. That's where I'm at right now. I have an idea for a comic that's itching at my fingertips, one story I need to rewrite, another story playing through my brain, and a poem knocking on my skull. I can't decide which to do because when I sit down to do one, I have a sudden urge to do a different one. So I can't do anything. And I have all this energy humming inside of me because it want to be let out. I do not know what to do besides amuse myself with the internet.

Paint for Macs

The only problem with Macs is that they don't have a cool little paint program like MSPaint. How am I supposed to rise to web comic stardom if I don't have a free and easy to use paint program to beef up my original art?

I went through the long list of downloads on the Apple site and most of them were only demos and the few that weren't were either to complicated or didn't have quite what I wanted. I had to wade through vectors, photos only, and CAD programs and what exactly is a raster? Finally I googled it and a great article popped up. http://blog.somekool.net/articles/2006/10/03/free-paint-program-for-mac-os-x

I chose to download Pixen and so far it works great. It's easy to use and it has what I want. It's a mix between and Adobe Photo or Illustrator program and Paint. If you have a Mac, you should try it.

And now begins my journey to the top of online webcomics. :insert evil laughter:

Tattoos

I was the good kid in school, straight A valedictorian, so when I ame home my sophomore year of college with a tattoo, everybody thought I had gone wild. I hadn't. People get tattoos for different reasons: drunken stupidity, puppy love, symbolism, rebellion, art. I got mine for two reasons: 1) It meant something to me, 2) It's an amazing art form. Every time I have gotten a tattoo, it has stood for something important in my life. So, at times, I resent when people judge me because of the ink on my body. Yet, I find myself judging others with tattoos at the same time. Usually it's "I wonder how drunk he/she was when he/she got that one." But, really, who am I to judge.

My first tattoo was a line of poetry on my right forearm. "I feel my fate in what I cannot fear" a line from Theodore Roethke's "The Waking." It spoke to me because it reminded me that I can't be afraid of who I am or what I will do in life. I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and that I was going to live past the age of nineteen. I needed it somewhere that I could see it every day, so I wouldn't give up.

Tattoo number two was a tree in the middle of my back. That, too, came from poetry, a stanza from "Who goes with Fergus" by William Yeats. There were three images in there that struck me and I plan to get all of them on my back. Tattoo number three was image 2 of 3, a flaming star on my right shoulder blade. These two reminded me, again, to be brave. It also connected to me to the beauty of nature, which has always been important in my life.

My last tattoo was the celtic knot for sisterhood on my left wrist. My sister and I got one together. Now we always have a tie, whether we want to or not.

If you're going to get a tattoo, make sure it means something. Don't get something you'll want to get burned off in a couple years down the road. If you get a symbol or a different language, make sure it means what you think it means.

Picking a tattoo artist and a place are also important. Ask to see their portfolios, pictures of tattoos or art that they have done. Make sure they have Red Cross certification that says they went through a course and they know how to properly handle blood and needles. You don't want a sloppy or messy tattoo artist. Make sure the shop is clean too. If the shop is clean, the needles will be clean. And make sure you're comfortable. If you're freaked out by the atmosphere than your body will be tense and if your body is tense, then the tattoo is going to hurt a lot more than it would if you were relaxed.

Here in Columbia, there are a lot of great tattoo shops with excellent artists. Personally, I've only ever been to Hollywood Rebel Tattoo on 10th street. The shop is clean, well lit, and the rooms are private so you don't have people staring at you while you get jabbed with a needle. There prices are reasonable as well. Touch ups are free, so if you accidentally scratch a scab off and lose some of your color, they will fix, no problem.

Kyle M. did my first tattoo and he has an excellent portfolio. Katie has done my other tattoos and as long as she works there, I will get my tattoos from her. She has the least experience as a tattoo artist but she has a good portfolio and she makes me the most comfortable. My tree was complicated, and Celtic knots are some of the hardest to do, but she did an excellent job.

So, why this long rant about tattoos? Because I got mine touched up yesterday and they are still a little sore and it was on my mind. Last bit of advice, take some tylenol beforehand.

Boys Don't Cry

I heard about this movie a long time ago and my parents automatically said it was a disgusting movie that shouldn't be watched. So, of course, I put it on the list of movies I would eventually like to see. I forgot about it, but as I was cruising Netflix, it caught my eye. I put it in my que and waited anxiously for its arrival. When it finally came, I let it sit on my desk for a couple of days and forgot about it again. Then Shelly decided that she wanted to watch a movie so her, my girlfriend and I sat down with popcorn and carbonated beverages to watch it. It wasn't at all what I expected.

It was a good movie, but incredibly sad. I didn't expect it to have a happy ending but I still wasn't prepared to see Brandon get shot through the head. There was much more nudity than I expected as well. But, a true story is a true story. My parents were right, it was disgusting. But, not because it was about a transgendered female to male, but because there are people like the two antagonists who kill people because of their sexuality or sexual identity. What right have they to judge?

One of my father's biggest arguments against my sexuality is that someone will hurt me. That is one of my biggest fears too. He uses it as an excuse for me to change my lifestyle, for me it is the exact opposite. What is life if you can't live it? Why should I pretend to be someone I'm not because there is a possibility that some ignorant person might some day hurt me? Sometimes, I want to shake him and say, "If you're afraid of someone hurting me, make sure there are laws that protect me. If you're afraid of someone killing me, make sure all of your religious friends know that I'm not worthy of death."

Though the movie has given me troubled dreams for the last couple of days, I'm grateful that I watched it. Movies like that, make you want to do something positive to change the way things are. If, some day, my child happens to be a homosexual, I hope to be able to say that I did something in my life to make theirs better.