Update for the new year

I've decided to wait at least a semester to go to school. I keep flip-flopping about which program I want to do. I haven't really looked into the programs as much as I wanted. I haven't taken the GRE. I need to plan more so I have money to actually apply. Application fees are ridiculous. One I was looking at was going to cost 70 dollars. It's ridiculous.

I'm also having problems with my depression. I think Zoloft, along with my poor eating habits, is causing me to gain weight. So, I tried to switch to Prozac. However, the Zoloft is free. The Prozac costs fifty dollars. Also, it kind of gives me an upset stomach. So, I have to decide which one to take, because I can't *not* take it.

I want to lose weight, but I don't want to give up pop completely. I want to exercise, but I feel really uncomfortable in the gym. Since, I have the room to myself, I might try to arrange it so I have space to do things in the room.

Alyssa and I are planning on getting married on June 6. Most of my family is still in complete denial, and if they're not in denial, they just don't like it and don't care. We're going to have to save money and plan things. We are so far behind.

We plan on staying in Columbia. I don't know where we're going to live, but I don't think it's going to be too hard to find a place.

Changed my mind

Okay, I'm putting my eggs in two baskets: Iowa and Indiana. If I don't get in this year, I'll take a semester off, no big deal.

Stress has been killing me lately. I can't seem to wake up. I'm also trying to change my depression medicine and I really hope it doesn't make me get really moody. I hate being moody. Especially when I can't get it under control.

I'm also sick with some type of sinus infection and my mono is flaring up.

Sucks.

One basket

I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket for graduate school. It isn't because I think I ca get in there, or because I think it is the only place I can get in, it's money and it's what I feel is right for me. I figure that if I don't get in, it's a sign that I need to take a semester off and apply for the spring semester instead of the fall. I hope that I'm good enough to get in for next fall, but I'll have to wait and see. The three universities I was lookin at are Indiana, Iowa and Wichita State. According to things I've looked up, Wichita isn't very gay friendly, also, even though I like Goldbarth, he isn't my favorite poet. Iowa is the prize school but I don't think that I'm good enough to get in and it's money that I don't really have at this moment. Indiana is fairly gay friendly in Bloomington, it has a relatively low cost of living, and it looks like it has a really good program.

Grad school is something that I've never really expected to go to. The way I was raised, it was almost impossible to look at the future because there wasn't going to be a future. The world was supposed to end by now. I didn't think that I would make it through high school or college. I didn't think I was going to be alive past the age of 18.

I'm like a fish out of water. Everyone thinks I've got it together, but I don't. This is so new to me and I have no idea what I'm doing. I only hope that I survive.

Just a couple of things

First, you should probably know that I'm procrastinating. I'm supposed to be writing a paper for Renaissance Drama but I'm tired and my brain isn't working correctly. I'm trying to exercise the kinks out so, here I am, writing. My paper will get done eventually. At the moment I just feel like I need to get a couple of things out of my mind. My paper isn't my biggest concern.

Maybe that should be a problem, but it seems like life is crashing into my careful pursuit of academics. I don't like having to worry about bills and broken cars and jobs. Health and Health Insurance and things to do before graduation.

I'm really worried about her getting a job. She only has two and a half weeks left. If she doesn't get one then she has to move back to Independence. What will that do to us? But, more importantly, what will it do to her? Will she be able to grow when she's in such a tense atmosphere? Will she be able to be happy?

And then, my roommate is sick. Swine flu. Dear God, please don't let me get sick. I can't get sick again. I'm even more susceptible since my immune system is down with mono. I can't get sick.

So, that's what's bothering me today. Until later.

Update

I was going to write a long, tedious blog complaining about life. Now I don't feel like it. Can't I just lay here and sleep?