21

Happy birthday to  me. I didn't think I would make it this long. Congratulations to me.

It's not a lie

I am done being broody, but I've just started being angry and self depreciating. I know that you don't understand. I hate that I can't control it. I'm all about being rational and stoic and you make me feel like an animal sometimes. I can't explain it. It frustrates me. Sometimes it hurts. I know it's natural and everybody goes through it. That doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes, I'm on edge for days. Sometimes, I only have to look at you. It really is like lava crawling through your veins and, God help me, it burns.

Afraid

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm ruining my girlfriend's life. She has a really tight knit family. They sound like one cohesive unit that moves like a mob whenever one of their own is hurt or in trouble. I'm afraid that by loving her, I'm going to take that away from her. 

Rose has led a comfortable life and now I'm making it uncomfortable. Now she will eventually have to tell her family that she's in love with another girl and they might not take it so well. Her dad's side of the family is very conservative. Every time she talks about telling them, I can hear it in her voice, she's afraid that they won't love her anymore, that they'll cut her out of the family. What if she loses that mob of people she's always been able to fall back on? 

It hurts me to think that, somehow, I'm causing her pain. Logically, I know that it's not really my fault and it's not her fault. If she loses her family, it's their faults. They will be the people ignorant enough to let a wonderful, caring soul out of the family. They will miss out on our beautiful children, on our accomplishments and it will be their choice. Logically, I know that she would have had to come out anyway, eventually. But, I'm still scared. I hate to think that I'll be the one to cause it. I'm afraid, if they do act badly, that she'll resent me, somehow. I know her enough to know that she's not that kind of person, that she's very rational, but grief can make a person do crazy things.

I love her so much. I can't imagine losing her. If, somehow, I screw this up, it won't literally kill me, but, God, it will hurt. The parts of me that have grown while we've been together are going to feel like they're dying. I just have to trust that she'll talk to me. That, whatever she's feeling, she won't keep it inside. I hope she knows that she can lean on me, that I'll carry her if I have to. And I hope she remembers, that we have other family, besides blood. And that whatever blood family I have that isn't going to disown me, that she can adopt them if she wants. Amayne will be there, Shelly, Tiff, Brooke, and whoever else. We'll be a motley bunch, but we'll be there for each other. 

We're going to be okay. Maybe, her family will surprise her. I know some of my family surprised me.

Responsibility?

I'm not entirely sure what it is about me that people automatically assume that I'm a responsible leader. I don't think I am. I don't have enough guts to be the best leader. The IR I can handle. It's my baby. PC, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to buckle down. We'll need two service projects and we'll have to raise money. I've always hated doing that kind of stuff. I feel like other people are more capable of that than I am. I had somebody come up to me today and ask me to be president of GSA. I think a lot of people aren't involved in it because of Amayne. They think he isn't a good image for the club and a lot of people find him abrasive and to radical. I'm not going to run for president but I might vote for someone else. Kate would be a good one. I believe she has a lot of good ideas. 

I have a lot of plans for the IR. I think that we need to start the semester off with events and fliers. We need to make this magazine the best that it can be. It can do well. 

On another note, I've always wanted to dye my hair a funky color. I think I'm going to get blue highlights in it. I think that it will look cool and it would make me smile. I'll have to ask Heather about it and see what she thinks.

I want to start my life with Rose but I can't yet. I won't be able to for at least a year and a half. Until it happens I'm going to have to start planning. By planning I mean be a lot more careful with my money and do lots of research on grad schools. I need to continue to write and send out. I also need to finish Janice and get her sent out. I'm going to need money if I'm going to help support a family. I plan on selling my extra amplifier and my extra guitar this summer. I might take my old bridemaid's dress to the consignment shop too. This summer will probably be pretty tight for me. I don't know. I'm not getting paid anything to house sit the last time I checked. In fact, if I use to much AC I'll have to pay for it. I'm lucky I'm used to the heat. I want my writing to be my job this summer. That's why I'm praying that I win that one contest. I'll need to money. It will also let me know that I'm moving in the right direction with my poetry. We'll see. I can live a pretty minimal lifestyle when I have to.

I know I can do it and I know that I can get a job if I absolutely have to. I just need to have the summer away from Independence. I need to know for myself that I can live on my own. I also need to make sure that I can get my medicine when I need it. I have to do this. 

I think that I'm done rambling for now. Until later.

Frustrated

I'm just a little bit sick and tired of people telling me that first relationships rarely work. Not because I don't appreciate their advice but because they don't seem to even acknowledge the fact that my relationship very well might make it. They automatically assume that it is going to fail. That bothers me. There are just so many pieces that fit, that make me believe we will last.